Fear: A Controlled Substance

 

It is strange the things that we subject ourselves to. We go about our days/lives unhappy, stressed, filled with anxiety, and overwhelmed with worry. We obsess over the many things that we cannot control, but the very things that we can control…we let sit.

As you all know I am on a journey to inner peace and happiness. Some days I am good and others I find myself loss. It wasn’t till I was sitting in church this Sunday that I realized why I find myself so lost sometimes. I do not focus on my faith and the power that comes with it. God promises that if I wait on him and move in his will that all things shall be “handled” (in my Olivia Pope voice). I fear circumstances and situations that do not have any power over me. Actually, it is the exact opposite I have control over it (“it “being the situation).

In the last 3 months my husband and I have found ourselves and our family in some trying and frustrating situations, but…..in all things I can still see God’s presence. He continually showed up and knocked one thing down after another. However, it took me a second to clue in! As I sit and worry he was taking care of it and saying, “See I am right here” but did I hear him? Nope. Too busy listening to my own thoughts and fears.

So all this is to say…WALK OUT OF THE CAGE! The door is open. You do not have to live in fear, worry, or frustration. As cliché as it may seem hard work does pay off, karma will always come back around, and God will never leave you or forsake you.

You are a prisoner to nothing and no one…walk in your freedom.

My Switch is Broke

The mind is so powerful. It is 4:14 am EST and I am wide awake. After a series of dreams that woke me (and my husband) up multiple times I gave up. This is a much bigger problem than…I just can’t sleep. I cannot find a way to turn off my mind, silence my thoughts, to quiet the inner me. To some this may not be a problem, but for me it is. I live in a constant state of multitask. When doing one thing my mind is on two or three other things. I want to be present.

Its OK to plan ahead but to always be thinking of the next move/thing can hinder your enjoyment of the current state that you are in. This has also increased my paranoia. I find myself in constant search of the undertone/underlying meaning. It can make communication very difficult.

So what does one do? How do I turn it off? I have started to remove negative people and energy from my life but still I struggle. I am obsessed with being better and my family, and do not believe that obsession is ever a good thing.

My “off” switch is broke…what to do?

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The Ending and Begininng; The Transition of it all

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It has been way too long since I blogged but what an appropriate time to get back on track. It is the transitioning period! You know where one year is coming to an end and another is just about to begin. This is when we start to make all of our promises and decrees about how next year will be and how things are going to be different…you know the drill.

However for some people (like myself) it is a time of change. Scary change but change none the less. Starting just 2 years ago I decided I wanted to be a better person. I didn’t want people to just think I was a good person; I wanted to FEEL like a good person. For so many years I have been blessed with favors and kindness because of how great my mother and father are, or how great my grandparents are. We are a huge and family and well known in our small community. Which is great and everything but I was turning 30…what legacy was I leaving for my children? I wasn’t and that is what made me want more. I wanted to be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend…you name it I wanted to improve. Most of all I wanted all the drama to just go away.

The DRAMA don’t we all just want it to disappear. It will never happen. You have to disappear from drama…run from it, hide from it, make yourself INVISIBLE. I didn’t nail it in 2012, I saw improvement but it wasn’t nearly enough. BUT…here at the end of 2013 I can say YES! VICTORY IS MINE! Now don’t get me wrong petty things come up here and there but nothing major. Here is the thing though…the drama is still there, I changed. I don’t feel the need to voice my opinion on every little thing, when people make clear that they don’t like me…I stay away, and most importantly I focus so hard on all the blessings half the time I completely miss whatever drama is going on.

Yeah I am looking forward to 2014…my decree is still the same though. I want to be a better person. I want each day to pass with me learning a new lesson and growing in character.

So tell me what is your transition? Something new? Something old? Or Something in progress ;-)

Last in My Own Race

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I realized recently that I am never going to make it to my finish/goal line. However, that was not the most shocking thing about the realization; that I am my own problem was.

Have you ever seen a person get stuck serving people at a family dinner. Let’s use the “juice bowl” as an example. The person is standing there about to fill their cup and someone comes along so they kindly fill that persons cup first. Before they can get to their cup another person arrives, another, and another. Till finally the person has to make a choice to STOP pouring and fill their own cup or they mindswell just out their own cup down and become the unsolicited juice server. Never tasting the beverage they set out to get.

Life is the same way. Unless you are willing to say STOP or NO, you will never accomplish your goals and dreams. Now due to my religious beliefs I believe that there is a season for everything…even for ME. But how ofter do we pass by our season to help someone else? How many times do you say “yes” knowing that it is going to knock our own plans right out of sync? The answer is too many times. And the worst part is we normally get into such a routine of doing it that it becomes second nature so when you take time for youself it doesn’t even feel right anymore. Now isn’t that crazy…uncomfortable taking time out for yourself.

We have to do better. Our joy battery cannot run on “helping others” alone. It needs “me” time; time to know that the vessel carrying it is important to. It is ok to love ourselves, to cherish our hopes and dreams, and most importantly it is ok to GO FIRST SOMETIMES!

How can you reach the end if you are telling everyone around you “It’s ok, you can go ahead of me”?

Don’t be last in your own race…BE FIRST, so you can help others cross after you!

 

 

Been Awhile but I’m still learning!

Hey Yall -

It has been quite some time since my last blog. I have been going through so much that I needed to write in my personal journal before trying to make sense of it on here. Since last talking with you all I have developed some new health challenges and some work ones too. I know I wrote a blog about how pressure makes “diamonds” a while back, but honestly I felt like I was under too much pressure and there would be nothing left of me but dust in the end. Definitely not a diamond.

Honestly I am still going through it but I wanted to share something that I realized during this tough time with you all. Some of you may already know this but STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK AND SURVIVE! Every time I go through something my first thoughts are “Oh gosh who is going to notice? How will this look to others? What will people think?”. And these thoughts have almost driven me completely insane. I cannot even focus on my problem or put the energy needed into it because I am placing it somewhere else. The funny thing (which isn’t funny at all) is that it gets even crazier because the people that I am worried about could CARE LESS about me. I mean if a bus was coming they would push me under it (they actually have figuratively speaking). Yet day in and day out I shoot to please them or worse I try to make them understand me as a person. They obviously do not care about me as a person so there is yet another wasted example of time and energy on my part.

So what is the lesson??? Do what you need to do to make it through. NOBODY will ever understand all that you go through or all that you have you deal with. There are a few people that care FOCUS on them. But the others tie up in your “completely out of my control” bag and toss it! Struggling and suffering is hard enough but to do it and have to be worried about who is watching is impossible. Oh and one more thing… no one is going to be proud of you, think you are strong, or respect you more because of the struggles you have weathered, are going through, or are dealing with.

*Correction: some will care and some will respect you…HOLD ON TO THEM! They are true gifts from God.

So stop looking around and look in the mirror, because that is the ONLY person that matters. You can get to the others later.Image

Silence is (NOT) Golden

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We go about our lives daily never really stopping to process our thoughts, actions, and feelings. In my opinion that is one reason why the world has become such a cold place to live in. It is like silence is golden; even when it comes to talking to yourself!

You are your own best friend. Sooooo if you aren’t talking to you….who is??? Why has it become so acceptable to just say “I don’t know”? Don’t know why I am sad? Happy? Delusional (well you might not know you are…hence the word “delusional)? Depressed? Confused? I mean when did we stop asking why? Getting down to the bottom of these feelings will help us get to the bottom of our ACTIONS.

There are so many crazy things happening in the world today and all I ever hear people say is “Man, this world is crazy”. Yes it is….but WHY? Why are people losing their minds? Why do grown women fight and act crazy on TV? Why do people want to even put all their business on TV?<—- Ok that was a bit of a rant but you get where I am going with this.

I think these actions come from feelings of insecurities, bitterness, sadness, rage, abandonment…the list goes on and on. So imagine what would happen if we took time and delved into these feelings??? Our actions would start to evolve, there by changing the world.

Yeah I like the SOUND of that. BREAK THE SILENCE AND ASK YOURSELF…..WHY?!

Monsters…they’re real

So all I do is beat myself up about how messy my bedroom is. I mean you should hear the things I say to myself. However in all my anger and bashing I have never stopped to make a plan on how to CHANGE my room. I know you think dirty room…clean it. It is not that simple because my room has become a monster; figuratively and literally speaking.

A physical monster in the sense that until this morning I couldn’t even see my floor (try not to judge me). Until two weeks ago the room was where my daughter slept but where my husband, daughter, and me all lived!!! We have clothes out the waaa-zoooooo! So between the clothes, shoes, jewelry, hats, ties, watches, and all the other doo-dads…it is a monster.

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Figuratively it is a monster because I have let myself become afraid of the task in my mind. My room is like a big lurking thing at the end of the hall that I am scared to go into because I know what waits for me on the inside. Sad, but very true.

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So what to do about the whole situation? I have to get a plan and then I need to implement it! That is the only way to defeat anything in life (monsters included). So this morning my goal was to see my bedroom floor…mission accomplised! Next I put all the clothes on the bed so that I could organize them into piles tonight. If I complete this mission I get a date night with my hubby, should I fail, I will spend my morning and evening catching up on my plan.

So the list goes on and on with positive and negative reinforcements that puts me at an end date of nexrt Tuesday (should I stay on track). Life really is full of monsters…financial, chores, work, anger, kids, marriage, dating…pretty much you name it and there is a monster attached to it. So my advice is to get a plan to defeat your monster…living in fear SUCKS!

( I will keep you all updated on my monster)

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